Old School

The other day I was in one the many national grocery store chains. I went there with a buddy because he needed to pay his electric bill. I thought to myself, “self, why is this guy doing this instead of just paying it online”? Now, not only do we spend valuable time away from the best fishing hole in all of SW Louisiana, but we get to waste gas, time, money and not to mention all the lovely people we get to share space with also standing in this line.

Well I decided I had enough of that nonsense, so I meandered on over to the magazine section. I wanted to find an article in one of the guitar magazines that another buddy mentioned but I could not recall which magazine it was in. As I was shuffling through the various magazines content pages, one of the stores clerks approached me. He said, “Sir, you can’t stand here and read the magazines unless you buy them”.Now this is where I got the idea for this article, “Old School”, In retrospect, I guess it’s kinda funny now but at the time, not so much. Here’s how the basic conversation went. Clerk: Sir, you can’t stand here and read the magazines, you have to purchase them. Their not free! Me: Oh I know that, I’m waiting for a friend to pay a bill and I heard about an article on, “Dime Bag Daryl”, I wanted to find it. I’m a big Dime Bag Daryl fan. Clerk: Well you’re loitering, we don’t allow that in this store, you’ll have to purchase the magazine if you want to read the article. Me: I’m fully aware of the loitering laws young man, I am not loitering, I’m waiting on my friend who is conducting business here, In the mean time if I find the article I’m looking for then yes, by all means I will purchase the magazine. I like these magazines and I buy them here all the time.

Clerk: No sir, you don’t have a shopping cart, and I see you standing here reading the magazines and not making a purchase, you are loitering. Now I’m going to stop the interaction here to interject some deep thoughts from a shallow mind. First off, I thought to myself this guy is obviously, slow or slightly touched in the head. Which turns out he is! for real. OK self, I understand the disability laws and I can accept that. Second, I say to myself, self, this guy is just not going to get it and this is going to end badly. Now back to the interaction. Me: well I can see that you think that but I really don’t remember which magazine the article was in so I need to go through the contents guide and find it. If I find it I will buy it, got it? do ya get that? comprehend amigo? Clerk: Sir you can’t stand here and read the magazines. you’re going to have to buy them, Me: well young man, how can I buy the magazine I want if I don’t know that the article is in it? Clerk: Because you have to buy it! Me: WHAT! ARE YOU CRAZY OR JUST PLAIN STUPID? What part of I’m looking for the article in the contents guides do you not understand? Clerk: Sir, you can’t talk to me that way, I’m going to have to ask you to leave. Me: WHAT! excuse me, are you for real? This is insane! I’m not doing anything wrong. Clerk: Sir, please leave now or I will call the police. Me: Oh my @@#*$(%& God! You’re an idot! $*(% you!

And so off I go, heading out the door. On the way out I notice that my buddy has moved up the line two spaces and that this is going to take a while, It’s hot outside in SW Louisiana during September, and I know this is going to be uncomfortable but hey anything is better than this, right? WRONG! It gets much better, This isn’t over yet, not by a long shot! Now my buddy sees me heading out the door and gives me the what up look. I roll my eyes, give the thumb behind me gesture towards the clerk and twirl my finger around my ear as in, this is crazy. He gives me the shrugged shoulder gestures as to say he does not understand, but it’s too late by now, I’m already out the door.

The heat coming off the tarmac this sunny September afternoon is insufferable. The humidity is most certainly not helping one bit. So now I’m in the truck passenger side, door open, to let what little relief in and low and behold what do we have here? That’s right you guessed it. Little mister slowmoe is out in the parking lot gathering up shopping carts and of course he notices me sitting there in the truck, obviously, I’m Loitering! Sir, the clerk says, I asked you politely to leave. listen up you little jerk, I said, I left. I’m sitting here waiting for my friend and there’s not anything you can do about it. So go #&*$ yourself! Well I guess in retrospect, that was probably the wrong way to handle that. That’s right again, you guessed it her comes the PoePoe! Now for those of you that don’t have a teenage daughter, PoePoe is slang for police officer!

WooHoo this is gonna get fun! Now mister slowmoe and mister poepoe are in the parking lot, just out of ear shot. The clerk, obviously excited, judging from the animated arm gestures and finger pointing in my general direction. After a few moments the officer decides it must be my turn so, her he comes. Office: Sir, could you step out of the vehicle please. Me: No, I don’t think so. Officer: Approaching the vehicle and in much closer that comfortable range says, Sir, have you been drinking? Oh darn! here we go. Me: Why do you ask? Officer: I smell alcohol on you breath, and though alcohol is perfectly legal, too much of it can alter a persons behavior. I need to know if you’ve been drinking and how much so that I can effectivley deal with you. Me: Well officer, about an hour and a half ago, I was sitting at my buddy’s kitchen table drinking a beer. He said, come on lets take a ride up to the store, I need to pay a bill, it’ll take about five minutes. So now I have a half of a warm beer sitting on a table patiently waiting for me.

I said officer, tell me, have you been eating doughnuts! Although sugar is perfectly legal, to much of it in the blood stream can alter a persons behavior. Your eyes look glazed and I need to know if you’ve been eating doughnuts and how many, so that I can effectively deal with you! Well, again in retrospect, not a great idea but at the time, hell, I thought that was funny! You guessed it, out come the handcuffs! OK OK wait a minute, Let me explain, please! after a few minutes of patiently listening to my story, the officer, looking over at the mildly "touched" clerk,and chuckles softly. Needless to say, this has all been a huge miss communication and if we all just calm down and go our separate ways, everything will be just fine, I said. The officer tended to agree with me and so, thus almost ended a perfectly screwed up day, almost.....

My buddy, clueless as to what was unfolding now exits the store, Seeing the events taking place through fresh eyes asks innocently enough, Hey, what the hell is going on here and Dave, what the hell did you do now? Well Mike I said, apparently I decided to go to the store for a five minute trip to pay a bill, because some people are old school and can’t pay bills on line, I thought I’d have a little fun, you know, just to pass the time.Other than that ole buddy, everything is just fine. Hey, I said then, let’s go fishing!

I caught a 40lb drum on a half of a dead stinky crab! Oh and by the way, I do most of my business online, It’s simple, fast and convenient, much less, it’s not nearly as dramatic. Next week, I’ll tell ya about my dad’s old school experience in the same store with the same clerk. I wonder if they do this stuff on purpose just for the entertainment value?

Dave

www.mikeraymarketing.dealcenter.us

fishrcutbait@hotmail.com